Recent Things: Pruning + Humility + Authority

[I have not written in a while, it is for several reasons. One of which is I have realized the power of my words and speaking with tact is not always easy for me, but I am trying. My blog has always been a place where I spill, typically unhindered; the release is more so I do not have to continue to think or so my revelations are concreted in text. A second reason is that...]

in the most recent days I have been going through the hardest heartache of my seemingly short life. This blog is full of heartaches, in fact I know that at least the last 5 heart breaks I have documented in some sort of post. It seems like a lot but I know my God has protected me from many others along the way and I am grateful for that. They have been heart breaks over dreams, over boys, over churches, over myself. Yet I have also been undergoing great transformation in my life with the Lord. This is not to say that the two are equally balanced, that they are interchangeable for one another. Many people come out of hard times and say “I wouldn’t change it for the world because of what I learned and how I grew.” I am not of the same mindset. I would like to say “I wish I had learned my lesson in an easier way.” I wish the Lord had given me fertilizer and not pruned me. I wish I had better controlled how my branches grew, had reigned in my heart better, had built my battle walls higher.

When it all comes down to it, it is a matter of pruning. The Lord cutting sections out of my life and heart that I loved and had grown attached to, branches that from my perspective were good. And the thing is some of them may have been good, they may have had the potential to bear fruit, blossoms may have been sprouting. I looked at some of those branches and I praised God for them, everyday they brought joy and their little growth made me smile.

Jesus is teaching me.

He sees from a perspective I do not understand. He looks at the paralytic and says “Your sins are forgiven.” I look at the paralytic and only see his immediate needs. I see a limp body. He sees a limp soul. Pruning is not about immediate results. It is an act of pain followed by a healing of wounds and finally over time there is new growth, stronger growth. God sees the end goal. He says “no” when something is not good for me and I do not realize it. He also says “no” when He has something better in mind.

Sometimes Satan attacks our branches with parasites and I do not realize in time to come against the bugs, until there is no other solution but to cut branches. Here is where it is difficult because I can turn on myself and say it was all my fault- I did not see and did not act correctly…. Having grace over myself is something I greatly struggle with.

________

If I might, a revelation as I am typing: all of a sudden every outside force acting on my branches does not matter, I am able to look at myself and say my side is my responsibility. Trees cannot grow branches together. No one else can grow my branch and I cannot grow a branch on another man’s tree. How profound. I suppose sometimes one’s branch can rest on another, which can be unhealthy. Though in marriage, I would like to think the branches become entwined, in a way that is mutually beneficial and beautiful as the trees help one another grow.

_______

I have come to doubt the ability for man to steward the heart of another; I cannot take care of an entire tree; I can do my best not to damage it, but I cannot see past the leaves. And I do not know that I can believe in the promises of man to hold my heart. He may try, but he will fail. And it will hurt. If I am not clear with what I need done, then nothing can be expected. Maybe I need inner healing over this. Maybe it is a wound of pruning that will heal with new growth.

I must have hope that there will be new growth. It is the desire of my heart. I must hope a branch will grow where the old one was cut, that I am meant to be a tree with branches, not a bare trunk. For the time being I must be satisfied that the Lord’s hand is sure, that His pruning will bear fruit, that I will not bleed out to death from the cuts, and that I will not scar over in a way that hinders new growth. I pray all of these things over myself and ask that you would too.

Numbers 23:19 says “God is not man, that He should lie, or a son of man, that he should change His mind. He has said and will He not do it? Or has He spoken and will He not fulfill it?”

Never have I been more glad that my God is not man. And even that as He chose to take on the form of a man, He did not take on the substance of a man. Oh, that I might be drawn into His likeness, that I might never lie or change my mind, that my word might always be kept! But alas I am man just as everyone about me is. And their effects on me are not without justification in this. And perhaps this is why I question the ability to steward hearts, though I will try with all my heart, I can have no expectation for return.

In all of this Jesus is teaching me about humility.

How humility is comparing myself to Jesus and not to others. How humility is stooping to repent. To correct the very fact that there is need for repentance if not the disagreement itself. That with stooping I become more like Christ. That He did infinitely more than I ever could. That He endured more heartbreak than I could ever handle. That He walked daily among a planet full of people who broke His heart. That every individual He passed by rended His heart to the extent of His very life. And yet He walked among them! That I could carry my pain as well as He! And carrying pure love, love for a friend that he would lay His life down for each of them. That I could carry my love as well as He! Even His closest confidants who slumbered during the night of His betrayal and He woke them still with love. I cannot fathom! He is greater than me in every way. And in every act, I must strive to be like Him, to walk how He walked. I am a proud person seeking to walk humbly, seeking to act righteously.

In all of this Jesus is teaching me about authority.

That authority is not given to work or to see miracles. Jesus first started working out of authority when the Holy Spirit descended upon Him. And the first thing the Spirit did was announce His identity: “This is My Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” Authority brings the ability to walk in and understand our identity. It is a common mistake for Christians to think that the Holy Spirit is in place primarily for us to do the works that will be greater than Christ. There is no doubt that these works cannot be done without the Spirit. But see how the Spirit first worked with Jesus. It drove Him into the wilderness to seek God, not into the cities to heal people. When you know your identity there is no place you feel more comfortable than in the presence of God. Even when He came out of the wilderness Jesus did not immediately begin to heal or prophesy or perform miracles. He went into the temple and began to speak in a way that those listening said “What is this authority that He speaks with!” Here is the kicker, what was Jesus saying with authority? He was reading the Bible. Since the word is God, He was reading himself. He was declaring His identity that had been prophesied in the scripture. Out of His identity in the Spirit, He does His work.

Many get caught up in the prophesies spoken over them, in the signs and wonders they would like to see done, in the plans that lay ahead of them. In the past, I have said that there are not many prophesies spoken over my future, I believe this will soon change with the grasp I am gaining on the Lord. It has been a sore spot for me, feeling as if I am not called to do great things, as if I will be one of the Christians on the outside of the great works, they do not occur around me. I miss healings and baptisms and signs and wonders all the time that my friends are witness to. But what grace this has provided me to understand that my identity and authority are not found in works and prophesies! What grace has the Father over me that I can grasp my identity without having to lay down prophesies and works! I see this as a struggle for many. That I might first walk in my identity and find satisfaction there is a healthy process. With authority we find identity. We must seek the Father’s heart.

Psalm 27:4 says, “One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.”

When we seek the Lord, we find ourselves wrapped in His love. Some friends and I went to a conference over the New Year. For a while, the Spirit led me away from our group and into the prayer room where I sought the Lord’s heart, where I brought my brokenness and desires before Him. He met me with compassion, with revelations that I can barely explain but that my heart agrees with. I would not have to go it alone, He told me he was going to place two angels on either side of me to go with me. As I sat in the prayer room, I asked the Lord if He could send someone to affirm what He had said. Leaving the prayer room I returned to my group of friends. Walking down the aisle I was met by one of the women who told me I had just missed our friend’s foot being healed. In my mind I immediately jumped to “Well that’s typical, I never see any of the signs” and then immediately I rebuked myself “No the works of the Lord are not what I seek. I will desire His heart I and seek His face. It is better. It is better.” I finally arrived to where my friends were and began worshiping with them, beating my old nature that desired works and not the Lord’s heart. Then it happened, a girl I had never met came up to me and told me as she was walking by she saw two huge angel wings on either side of me. They were massive and she asked the Lord what it meant. “I am going to fly.” Seeking the Lord’s identity brings miracles. It is a miracle that I am who He says I am.

We must approach Him with humility in our weakness. He will meet us and pour out His love.

We must humble ourselves to the pruning, to seeking the Lord’s heart, to understanding that His authority creates our identity.

And I am still learning and I am still hurting. There are still pangs of heart sickness. There are still wounds that are open. But I have these angels and this Father and this Lover to carry me when community proves not to be a cure-all.

the sun fell up long ago

eyes strained

my farther forced focus

pushed the horizon to blur

while shade weighs eyelids

oil dwindles in my lamp

burning desire with time

my heart yearns

in wait

for My Beloved

till darkness of twilight

becomes darkness of sleep

then you

My Sweet Fragrance

rouse me

from my slumber

blossoming my soul

your arms lift

me from the dew

carry me

to the chamber room

you are a vision

not a mirage

you are My Vision

an oasis

My Beloved

those three words

Those three words that are the most complicated for us to say are the easiest for Him:

“I love you.”

They slip from His mouth like sweet honey, pouring out as a balm to heal the deepest wounds. But in our minds bees swarm and buzz causing confusion. We can’t release them, bottled up inside us, without the idea of risk coming at our hearts and stinging our nerves.

He says it with every act, with every creation, with every pain filled blow of the nails into His palms. Each strike. I. Love. You. He carries risk on His back knowing we might say “no.”

We love because He first loved us. Why do we hesitate to let His love flow from us? I love you. Do not hesitate to pour out those three words that can change life. The consequences we think we carry are prideful. Let go of fear and love. Don’t love half-hearted. Love fully.

His love & my weakness

God’s love is so good. – I am so weak.

The juxtaposition is enormous: It spans the very concept of height and depth.[1] It conquers death and returns not just to life but to eternal life.[2] It is lighter than light. To it darkness is as the sun. [3]

These are inconceivable: How do you think of height without a ruler, death without a grave, light without shadows?

Yet this is Truth.[4] Unshakable, unalterable, concreted Truth.

His love is so good. When He made me, He wanted me to love Him of my own will. He wanted me to choose to put Him before all things.[5]

I am so weak. I am tempted by the least satisfying things. I am blind to His obvious displays of affection. My priorities are so askew that grasping the idea of putting Him first does not logically work out: How will I eat? How will life work if I am not at work? My mind and heart are ignorant of His promised provision.[6]

Yet He has been pulling for me the whole time, romancing me, hoping I’d turn to Him on my own. He whispered His love to me as a child through the beauty of His creation. I gave Him my youthful devotion and obeyed how I knew to obey.

As I aged, I slipped away, sliding to the world as it showed me its pleasures.

And He appealed to my heart.

“Nothing can satisfy like My love,” His voice floated inaudible though the air. “Nothing can satisfy like My love,” His voice pulsed though the heartbeat of the Earth. Tides flowed in and out resounding to the song He was singing over me.[7]

Sometimes I heard. And sometimes I remembered how it felt to eat from His hands in the forest and to lay before Him in worship. But the world seemed dark and I wandered lonely. My heart was discontent and sought comfort, but no one could reach deep enough. I was lonely with friends. Depressed with the world’s satisfaction.[8]

I felt so far away, lost in the complexity of life as if in the depths of the woods. How could I return to the innocence of my youth? I ran in panic, my heart racing when I could not find what I had. Others gave directions that only wounded me. Hurt and disoriented, I came to the edge of a cliff and fell to my knees. I wanted Him. I needed Him.

He heard my cries. Then He came and lifted me gently, though my trust in Him was failing.[9] You see, He had made a vow with me as a child. When I said “yes” to Him, He promised never to leave me, never to forsake me.[10] And when I felt far away, He was still there. With His vow in mind and heart, He rescued me. He carried me over the threshold. I am too weak to cross on my own.

I am too weak to love Him on my own. He claimed me as His bride and brought me to His chamber room. There He showed me the history of His pursuit, how He had been chasing me for years, how He had been wooing me with every sunset and every starry night[11], with every sweet taste known to man, with every softness that appeals to the sense of touch, His love was in every glorious fragrance.[12] He told me how it was His intent before the dawn of time. His love for me has been strong my entire life, when I was blind, sinning, ignorant.[13] He pulls the moon around the earth and the earth around the sun. That He said is His love. It always has been and always will be. It is an ephemeral sound and a fragrant perfume that envelops me completely.

He has always been pulling for me, hoping I will hold onto Him. But I am so weak. My eyes lose focus; my grasp on His love becomes weak. I slip again. Yet I have also fallen so deeply for Him that I am desperate to hold onto Him. I must cling to Him and, when I find He is not on my heart and mind, I must grip more firmly. And I know He is holding me with all the pressure of the ocean. Pressure so forceful that if I were to even attempt to reach its depth, I would be crushed. It is so strong. While He holds me, He watches with emotion welling in His heart that I might slip again. We are in love. He is desperate for me and I, from a place of my own will, have become desperate for Him.

His love was and is and will continue to be. His love closes the gap between His goodness and my weakness.

---

[1] ^“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

[2] “ ‘O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?’ For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Song of Solomon 8:6

[3] “If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” Psalm 139:11-12

[4] “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 Therefore, Jesus stands in the gap between God’s goodness and our weakness. “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” John 14:6

[5] “ ‘See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.

“But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.’ ” Deuteronomy 30:15-20

[6] “’Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?’” Matthew 6:25-26

[7] “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

[8] “Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” Song of Solomon 8:7

[9] “I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer. Show me the wonders of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes.” Psalm 17: 6-7

[10] “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

[11]“The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is deprived of its warmth.” Psalm 19:1-6

[12] “and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:2

[13] “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

confused and losing touch with everything

I feel as if I am being tugged on from all sides and while I am told to be content it is being shouted at me that contentment is not an option. I must be pushing for the gifts of the Spirit. On my knees, shoving my hands out, and begging that God would place a huge calling on my life. I am told working and going to school are not enough. I need to desire to see healings and to have great prophetic words spoken over my life. But these things do not happen. Not for me at least. Great things are not spoken over me. Truths slip out occasionally, but not callings.

I am losing my bearings. I am losing touch with school- I only have 3 classes and my sleep schedule is so off that I barely make it to my a.m. one. I am losing touch with my body- I get nauseous when I eat, I can’t fall asleep until 4a.m. and when I wake my day is half over. I am losing touch with my friends- communication is so sporadic that when it occurs it is not deeply fulfilling. I am losing touch with my future- I graduate in 7 months and have no prospects. I am losing touch with God- I fall into sin and depression and confusion and don’t feel His love, I doubt like Thomas, and this is not what God wants. All I do is work. And I hate it.

What if I am not called to have a great impact on the world? Can I be mad at God? No, His plans are perfect whether we understand them or not and it seems to me that the majority of Christians do not have these “great callings.” What if He just wants me to live my life for Him? What is wrong with that? Shouldn’t I be content with no gifts. Gifts are not necessary. Since when is there a necessity placed on work?

So if I do not have great words spoken over me and if I do not see healings or miracles or gold dust or jewels or the “miraculous” works of God, how can I be hurt? Yet I am. It is as if He is giving me crumbs and I have to be satisfied with them even when I know He has a storehouse of food and others have grown fat on it. So I struggle between hurting, and knowing I should not be because how can I hold this against God? I don’t want this to come between us. He has given me life and love why should I ask for more?

Everyone gets all of these fantastical ideas that they will accomplish great things- what are you after? fame or God’s will? And have you found that His will is not for your voice or hands or feet or mind? His will is not for you to do something for Him, to work for Him. He is a Father not a task-master. He is calling for your heart. Every other aspect of you is disposable, can be done more efficiently through another means of His power. If your heart is not deeply rooted in His then your works are useless. Your prophesies and healings are useless and you are lucky that He has the ability to work them for His good, but your heart is lacking in seeking more work and not more love. Ask God what He would have of you if you became mute or unable to walk. Do you crave the gifts more than the fruit, because the fruit is pleasing to you and the Father. The gifts push outward from that. The fruit do not require work.

I am left confused and angry and hurt and broken. And I don’t know the solution or the answer or even what is hurting and everything seems broken. Words do not soothe. And it does not feel like “everything’s going to be alright.” It feels like my entire life is going to be a disappointing struggle.

 

free in His love

The point, my beloved, is not to be found but to be lost. To stumble into my love and to lose your own way because you are on my path, in my heart. You are there now. Look around you; everything I have made is for you. Do you feel the breeze as my caress? Do you taste the sweetness I have made for your tongue? I have no need for such tastes, they are to pleasure you. Soft things, sweet things, fragrances, they surround you. Stop searching. I am here. My love will disorient you, there is no up or down. There is no floor, no ceiling to my love. Have you ever gazed into my heavens? Have you looked into the celestial sky on a clear night and been swept away in my glory? Lost track of your life on earth because the stars have captivated you? That is my love. I will pull you off the ground. My love is magnetic. Let me capture you. Don’t oppose me; let me love you. You cannot turn your face from me, for I am all encompassing on every side of you. I am the North and the South. When you think you have wrought away from me, my love only pulls stronger. Do not opposite poles attract? Your sin has me reach farther. Now come. Come get lost in my love. Let me open the locks on your heart. Let me pull open the hinges on your dreams. I put them in you. Come. Come let me set you free. Float in my stream. There is no up, no down. These are not concerns in my love. Come be content in me, find satisfaction in me. No effort is involved. No directions are needed. No steps need to be taken. I am here now. I surround you. Posture your heart. You are free in my love. I am love. Lose your self in me. My beloved, stop waiting I am here.

Lessons on Beauty

You know how they say when you are in love everything looks beautiful? Well over the summer I fell in love with God. I have always loved God, but to be in love with Him is completely different.

It is fall now. I love the fall. I wouldn’t say it is my favorite season, but I enjoy the changing of leaves, the richness of the harvest, and the warmth of sweaters. I also love that it is the season of Thanksgiving. There are a lot of things that I am not the biggest fan of fall for though: wet feet, cracked knuckles, lost umbrellas, overly busy Starbucks, waking up cold…but when you are in love even these things look a bit beautiful.

Suddenly the struggle of life is gorgeous. It’s like a war movie, the fighting maybe gory but knowing the protagonist has a fiance at home makes his fight for life a beautiful tale. No one is fighting harder for my life than Jesus. And there is nothing in my life that I will fight harder for than my relationship with Him. With these words I stir the anger of the enemy and he is not slow in his attacks.

Last night I was attacked. Being away from the Jesus family I grew so close to this summer has been hard. When I get home from a long day of work or classes, all I want is a smile from one of my sisters or brothers. It is Satan’s plan for me to feel isolated here in Kent and he whispered it in my ear all night long.

But Gods says, “We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.” 2 Corinthians 6:3-10

So I slept and I woke up and I went to class. And I carried on my day like normal till I was walking back to my house to make some lunch. I looked down and there was a four-leaf clover, a big one. And I literally just stood there staring at it for a minute until I realized it was God saying hello. He was catching my attention for just a second. Reminding me that when the nights are long and sleepless and Satan is attacking, that life is still beautiful. That the only thing that is important is me and Him. Our hearts are tied together.

I picked my reminder and continued walking. As I rounded the corner my little neighbor was out. He is probably just about four years old. Standing in his yard with his matching blue and red pajamas on under a jacket he gave me a wave and a smile. So precious. It is nice to think that is how God sees us. He lets us wake up late and wear our jammies outside. And He is the type of dad that would be sure we had matching pjs. We are so little in comparison to His love. We make mistakes, spill things on ourselves, track mud into the house…He gives us correction, wipes our snotty noses. He calls us to be children.

What is amazing is that from childhood to adulthood, each step of the way is a masterpiece. In Ephesians it says, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”(Eph. 2:10 NLT). Wow!

Masterpieces are so rare and take the lifetime of a great artist. They don’t just occur every day. You are God’s very best work. And what is more amazing is that God is such a profound artist in His creation that the first brush stroke on His canvas is enough to be a masterpiece. And then He added the next stroke and it is a masterpiece too! And on and on. Every step of our life is gorgeous in His eyes.

Some times we look at the canvas and think, “No this is not beautiful. This place I am at is ugly. And where I have been in my past and the sin I have fallen into has dirtied the brushes.” No! We are wrong in these thoughts! Our perception is too narrow, too human to understand. Don’t we know that Jesus painted mud on the eyes of a blind man and his sight was restored!

Each step of our lives brings us closer to God, gives us new understanding of Him, gives us the chance to go from glory to glory. A step may be a struggle that is painful but looking back on it and the perseverance through it we see the love story of the war film. All the while as God paints, He has the final picture in His mind. It is through the process that He pours out His love.

Maybe we each live different lives because God is not satisfied to pour out His love in just one way. It is too forceful of a river to be held back, it burst forth in rivers and streams that flow differently over each of our lives.

Do you know what else? I went to a concert last week and heard music so beautiful that it made me want to close my eyes just so only my auditory senses could focus despite paying the money to go see the band. It was music that inspired me to love life. To live a life satisfied where ever God placed me, whether it is in a small town or traveling across the world.

I thought to myself at the concert, there must be a great love that was the muse for these gorgeous melodies. And wouldn’t it be amazing to be the type of woman who inspired something so amazing. And then I took it a step farther, wouldn’t it just be amazing to live a life that inspires others to live beautifully. And then God said to me “I did.” God did and does! His love inspires all beauty. Jesus lived in a way that inspires us to walk beautiful lives. And you see I am in love with Him and everything is beautiful. Though the world and its ways break His heart, He looks on it in love. My view of the world has been rose-tinted by the blood of Christ.

 
*the majority of this blog post sprung out of a letter I wrote to one of my dear Jesus brothers :)

The cracks begin to show

This blog started out as just a simple blog, me wanting to write. The subject matter was what else but my life- decisions to make about college, weekend trips- nothing in particular. I think that is how most blogs begin, as an overflow of thoughts not really expected to be read. Over 2 years time, my blog has become more focused on my spiritual journey. Still not expected to be read, but focused. And as my spiritual life has deteriorated before my eyes, writing becomes more difficult.

I have met so many Christians who have been hurt by the church and I have met so many hypocritical Christians. It is not a good reflection of what Christ intended. I am both and that is what is hard. I am wounded and certainly not a model example of a Christian. I fall into sin, and get angry, hardened, and bitter. Unfortunately, I am not a happy-go-lucky type person. I have fears, practicalities, a serious nature, and a drive that most people don’t know how to deal with.

So on one hand, I don’t want everything to be exposed to the world. I don’t want to add another hypocritical Christian to the count, and I don’t want to be another tally on the hurt-by-the-church list. There are so many hurting people in this world and to add to that only seems like dumping more trash in the garbage heap. What good does that do? It is also difficult to admit my insecurities and struggles. I try to keep this perfect facade, but take a deeper look and see that I have so many chips and fissures.

Nevertheless as I have found, the focus of by blog has turned to the thing that is obviously most important in my life: my spiritual walk. So I keep coming back to write. But with all of these thoughts in the back of my mind, I start to write and then don’t publish the posts. Yet there is no way that my story can be told without seeing the low points. There is no way that my story can skip over these last several months. My transformation will not be a testimony if I ignore and hide the pain. I am finding that it is actually blocking me from being able to walk well with God.

Perhaps if I keep the follow-through with this blog, my broken trail will be an encouragement for other Christians who are struggling inside to keep their faith. I know it will end well, God is always the victor, but that does not mean the process is easy.

So here on my blog I will process what it means to be broken, how it feels to have negative things spoken into your life by those you esteem, how it feels to struggle with the flesh and with loneliness. This blog has become a documentation of my fight for faith.

With this new focus in mind, we will see what happens when the cracks begin to show.

The Start of Summer

It’s been a while. It seems like it’s always been a while though.

May is coming to a close and I am so ready for it.

Since leaving Kent for the summer, I have been living with my parents and working at the Starbucks in my hometown. I love my parents, but they can stress me out easily I am used to living on my own and doing my own thing. Sometimes I think they don’t understand how serious I am about my life and my responsibilities, so we get in arguments easily about loans, transportation, graduate school and the like. Also I am always uncomfortable with not working towards some sort of goal, so being at home and working a job that doesn’t forward me has been frustrating.

Tomorrow I am moving to Grove City, PA. I am not sure what I am getting into, but I am stoked. I will be living in a duplex with several Christian students from the greater Ohio-Pennsylvania area. I am excited for the people I will meet and the friendships that will be formed. On the weekdays, I will be working for Brad Mckoy’s ministry, making videos and doing whatever communications/journalism work that they need done. (If you remember, Brad was the one I went to Columbus with at the beginning of the year. It was one of the only breaks where I felt lifted spiritually). On the weekends, I will be returning to my parents and working at Starbucks in order to retain my job over the summer. I am grateful for all the distraction as summer without camp has been looming heavy on my heart and spirit.

And I am also nervous about the pressure that will be put on my relationship with God. I suppose any strain will be positive though considering where it lies now. Our relationship has been on the rocks ever since all the crap hit the fan (what with every Christian organization I have been in either smacking me in the face or crumbling beneath my feet). As I mentioned in my last post, I am pretty wary of Christians these days. Sometimes I would just like to do my own thing regarding religion rather than deal with other people. It is not because I think very highly of myself, in fact it might be the opposite situation. I have fallen in my walk and I am not sure I want others to know me at my worst. Also after all of the experiences I have had, I have turned into a pretty liberal Christian. I don’t think anyone can know the state of someones relationship with God and therefore am wary about most of the common judgements Christians tend to have.

Despite all of these fears, I know I need this summer. I need the community and have been begging God for it for the last 9 months. I am ready for a change because if I return to Kent in the same spiritual state that I left it in… I am afraid to think of what direction my path will take. I realize with my own life, I have been pretty disconnected not only with God and others, but with myself. Like the apostles, I have been fishing on my side of the boat. Obviously I haven’t been catching much so I am ready to spend this summer letting God tell me where to put my net.

Reflections on my 20th year

Today is my 21st birthday. I don’t really like to put up a fuss over my birthday, but this year being that it is my 21st I will be celebrating with friends in downtown Kent at the end of the week. I also celebrated tonight with my friends Molly and Jen from home group over sushi.

As in years past, I like to use my birthday as a time to reflect upon the most recent year. It was not the best year of my life- this therefore is also tying in with why my friends and I will be going downtown to celebrate the fact that I actually made it through this seemingly God forsaken school year. The year will not quite be one I look upon fondly.

It is always intriguing for me to look back. I am nearly always analytical in the moment, so to re-analyze how everything fits together can be mind-boggling, yet I do it nonetheless.

Around this time last year, I was quite a different person. I was reliant on God throughout the summer, enjoying my time with counselors and campers. Then the darkness came. It makes me shutter to think about how swiftly it fell like a black fog pervading my life. It must have begun to trickle in during the summer without my notice, blinding the eyes of those around me from seeing me clearly and turning my focus.

As the year progressed through school, the fog thickened. Churches closing. Relationships failing. Accusations guillotining. They were cracks of thunder.

Lost and alone in this storm cloud. I turned to sin for comfort. And finally the storm broke on that day in March with the final accusations snuffing out my last light at the end of the tunnel. Physically the skies poured down rain and my eyes poured forth tears. While I was unable to see the sun had set into night.

It seems the only relief from this draining was when I physically left Kent to go home or to Columbus or to China. There were brief moments of light.

And now I am left where I am. My relationship with God is on the rocks. Where I would once turn to Him for comfort, my walls are now up with caution. I am wary about almost every believer, certain that judgment will befall me. I am drawn to the world where comfort and company are easy to find.

And I am aware of this mental and spiritual battle all the while. One side tugs and the other equally so. It is as if the weight of my body is pulling me to fall, but God has this grip on my heart that’s keeping me suspended above the floor. And that tension is the only thing I know right now.

For as much as I want this battle to be over, I am even more scared that God will let go.

I am a broken Christian and that tension is the only thing giving me hope that one day things will be restored to how God intended.

I said that I am not the same person as before.

I have found that with heartbreak comes credibility. When you know suffering and you know pain, you look at the world and yourself differently. I am stronger and more mature than the child who I left behind last year. I am more decisive. I am choosing what my battles are.