Today I had my heart broken, again. Only this time it was in a different way. The first time it was love. And I had always thought: well it will be better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But when its you heart that’s broken wouldn’t you give anything to go back to that innocence that you once had. Back to when you truly were just friends and when bedtime hugs never happened. Rather before than after. After when you are in the present awareness that those hugs you were used to you can’t have any more. That person whose shoulder you used to rest your head on, isn’t that person anymore, but a person who you simply sit next to. He knows you more than anyone else because you revealed your heart honestly and openly to him. But his heart obviously was not the same or else you wouldn’t be here reminiscing of what was and crying about how it isn’t anymore because he would be present. Maybe what I am saying makes no sense, but my heart feels it.
As I said though, this time it was different. It is a heartbreak over a broken dream. I loved the potential of being a Resident Adviser and lost the opportunity. Today I received a letter from University Housing, informing me that my Resident Adviser candidacy has ended. Not that I have been put on a wait-list but literally that it has been “discontinued.” I am confused and lost. Why? Why is the real question. I know I would make an excellent RA. I would exceed expectations, excel in the requirements. But no. I am not even good enough for a wait-list. I had not expected this. I still have confidence in my abilities to be a good RA, but why didn’t the selection committee see that. I don’t know and I need answers. I have been crying all day. My mascara is long gone and my hair is in tangles. My throat is worn out and my lips are chapped. My mind is no where to be found. I am in a state of disbelief and acceptance. I suppose the anger will come soon enough and the tears will be back later, but now I am disconnected. I am wandering like Madeleine in Hitchcock’s Vertigo– not wandering but wandering.
Reality check right? You are wondering why is this girl getting so bent out of shape because she didn’t get a job. Geez just deal with it and get on with your life. That’s the problem right there. I have no idea what to do now. Do I even stay at OSU? I don’t think I could live in Siebert without being an RA. Besides the fact that my three current roommates will be living here with another girl, not me. So I will have to call up housing and get all that junk changed if I can. But what about my job as an OC, is it too late to apply to work in the office at the new hall where I will live? I don’t know if I could handle being an OC in Siebert and living elsewhere. So do I leave OSU? And where do I go? Kent? Is it too late to go somewhere else. Maybe even out of state, because it seems everywhere I go it will be expensive anyways, which is what kept me in Ohio in the first place. What is my major? Architecture seems to be falling by the waste-side. So do I pick up with journalism? Everything is so uncertain. My future is a void. My current situation with the difficulty of classes won’t make getting on elsewhere any easier. I don’t even want to think of the debt I have accrued being here. It seems to have been a waste of an entire year of my life.
I would like for Maroon 5 to stand outside my window in the pouring rain. But that’s not relaity is it. I have to catch myself when I fall. I’m waiting, God. I’m waiting for someone to love me. Is this supposed to be an opportunity for me? To rely on You? To move forward? Is this just another kick out the OSU door? What am I supposed to do? And can you patch up this broken and fallen soul because I can’t do it on my own. I need your strength. Guide me where you may. “Wherever you go, I will go. Wherever you live, I will live. Your people will become my people”
When you’re at the bottom is there truly no where to go but up? But then which way is up in the first place; I am so disoriented I don’t even know anymore.
So many questions unanswered.