Today was particularly dreary outside. And when it is dreary I want to be anywhere but where I am, which today meant Kent State University. Most of my life I go about my business perfectly fine with my location. I don’t really give it a thought [this is not true most of the time I am not quite happy where I am and figure anywhere else would be better]. But on days like this I mostly feel incarcerated. It is as if the rain turns into dull gray steel bars, trapping me wherever I am. Everything seems so distant. It feels like I will never get out of this area. Even camp is only 15 minutes away. It used to be that camp was a home away from home. But now it doesn’t feel away. Nothing is away. Everything is in this weather and mind-made prison.
This afternoon, I went out with a couple of girls from the features team to record students talking about how they survive the winter at Kent. And it is raining out. in the winter.
Then I interviewed a girl for the non-profit organization article I am supposed to be writing about now. Simple stuff. I love non-profit groups. I should like to think that when I am making documentaries about third-world countries, I will be quite involved with them. But that seems even the most distant.
I talked with my lovely sister on the phone. She reminded me that God has a plan and a purpose for my life. Maybe this restlessness is sent from God? Sometimes it feels like I am filling up with potential energy and just waiting for it to snap into kinetic. It’s pushing, pushing, pushing. Building up pressure for the next move. In two years I plan on being done with college. And I will pour forth a stream of energy built up over the last four years and dive into the future with a passion that cannot be tamed.
I tried out a new church tonight; I wasn’t up to walking through the rain to get to my usual church. The pastor said we need to live passionately for Christ and be open to His works.
Maybe right now, I want to be trapped and rained on. Flooded over with the Holy Spirit. Till I am completely immersed.
I spoke with a friend the other day. He had just finished reading Chopin’s The Awakening. It is one of my favorites. The heroine of the novel at first is afraid to go swimming. The book is a piece of feminist literature about a woman’s sexual enlightenment. At the end of the novel she dives into the ocean. Letting its waves overpower her. She drowns. She is completely liberated.
It sounds a bit fatalistic. But I wonder if you can become so totally saturated with the Holy Spirit that you are not working on your own, that your actions become guided completely by the Holy Spirit. It is also a frightening thought. I like to control myself. But like I said maybe right now I want to be trapped and rained on. So I will become completely immersed in the Holy Spirit.
So Christ will define my every action.
And from my Seasonal Affective Disorder and the dreary weather comes light.