This blog started out as just a simple blog, me wanting to write. The subject matter was what else but my life- decisions to make about college, weekend trips- nothing in particular. I think that is how most blogs begin, as an overflow of thoughts not really expected to be read. Over 2 years time, my blog has become more focused on my spiritual journey. Still not expected to be read, but focused. And as my spiritual life has deteriorated before my eyes, writing becomes more difficult.
I have met so many Christians who have been hurt by the church and I have met so many hypocritical Christians. It is not a good reflection of what Christ intended. I am both and that is what is hard. I am wounded and certainly not a model example of a Christian. I fall into sin, and get angry, hardened, and bitter. Unfortunately, I am not a happy-go-lucky type person. I have fears, practicalities, a serious nature, and a drive that most people don’t know how to deal with.
So on one hand, I don’t want everything to be exposed to the world. I don’t want to add another hypocritical Christian to the count, and I don’t want to be another tally on the hurt-by-the-church list. There are so many hurting people in this world and to add to that only seems like dumping more trash in the garbage heap. What good does that do? It is also difficult to admit my insecurities and struggles. I try to keep this perfect facade, but take a deeper look and see that I have so many chips and fissures.
Nevertheless as I have found, the focus of by blog has turned to the thing that is obviously most important in my life: my spiritual walk. So I keep coming back to write. But with all of these thoughts in the back of my mind, I start to write and then don’t publish the posts. Yet there is no way that my story can be told without seeing the low points. There is no way that my story can skip over these last several months. My transformation will not be a testimony if I ignore and hide the pain. I am finding that it is actually blocking me from being able to walk well with God.
Perhaps if I keep the follow-through with this blog, my broken trail will be an encouragement for other Christians who are struggling inside to keep their faith. I know it will end well, God is always the victor, but that does not mean the process is easy.
So here on my blog I will process what it means to be broken, how it feels to have negative things spoken into your life by those you esteem, how it feels to struggle with the flesh and with loneliness. This blog has become a documentation of my fight for faith.
With this new focus in mind, we will see what happens when the cracks begin to show.