confused and losing touch with everything

I feel as if I am being tugged on from all sides and while I am told to be content it is being shouted at me that contentment is not an option. I must be pushing for the gifts of the Spirit. On my knees, shoving my hands out, and begging that God would place a huge calling on my life. I am told working and going to school are not enough. I need to desire to see healings and to have great prophetic words spoken over my life. But these things do not happen. Not for me at least. Great things are not spoken over me. Truths slip out occasionally, but not callings.

I am losing my bearings. I am losing touch with school- I only have 3 classes and my sleep schedule is so off that I barely make it to my a.m. one. I am losing touch with my body- I get nauseous when I eat, I can’t fall asleep until 4a.m. and when I wake my day is half over. I am losing touch with my friends- communication is so sporadic that when it occurs it is not deeply fulfilling. I am losing touch with my future- I graduate in 7 months and have no prospects. I am losing touch with God- I fall into sin and depression and confusion and don’t feel His love, I doubt like Thomas, and this is not what God wants. All I do is work. And I hate it.

What if I am not called to have a great impact on the world? Can I be mad at God? No, His plans are perfect whether we understand them or not and it seems to me that the majority of Christians do not have these “great callings.” What if He just wants me to live my life for Him? What is wrong with that? Shouldn’t I be content with no gifts. Gifts are not necessary. Since when is there a necessity placed on work?

So if I do not have great words spoken over me and if I do not see healings or miracles or gold dust or jewels or the “miraculous” works of God, how can I be hurt? Yet I am. It is as if He is giving me crumbs and I have to be satisfied with them even when I know He has a storehouse of food and others have grown fat on it. So I struggle between hurting, and knowing I should not be because how can I hold this against God? I don’t want this to come between us. He has given me life and love why should I ask for more?

Everyone gets all of these fantastical ideas that they will accomplish great things- what are you after? fame or God’s will? And have you found that His will is not for your voice or hands or feet or mind? His will is not for you to do something for Him, to work for Him. He is a Father not a task-master. He is calling for your heart. Every other aspect of you is disposable, can be done more efficiently through another means of His power. If your heart is not deeply rooted in His then your works are useless. Your prophesies and healings are useless and you are lucky that He has the ability to work them for His good, but your heart is lacking in seeking more work and not more love. Ask God what He would have of you if you became mute or unable to walk. Do you crave the gifts more than the fruit, because the fruit is pleasing to you and the Father. The gifts push outward from that. The fruit do not require work.

I am left confused and angry and hurt and broken. And I don’t know the solution or the answer or even what is hurting and everything seems broken. Words do not soothe. And it does not feel like “everything’s going to be alright.” It feels like my entire life is going to be a disappointing struggle.

 

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About megannet

I am a self-motivated multimedia journalist seeking a career in the creative film and documentary industry. I am a recent graduate of Kent State University with a B.S. in Broadcast Journalism.

2 comments

  1. Hey Annabell,

    My heart goes out to you right now while you’re working through all this. Just want you to know that I understand and sympathize with so much of what you’ve written. I was just thinking last night how much I would crave being at a service at church where God’s presence was free flowing. People would receive a “touch.” a calling, would be divinely pointed out and their mail was read- awesome stuff and you just felt that there was something really deep happening.

    I also know what it has felt like to come down from those high places or even just feel like those declarations were meant for someone more than who I am right now, trudging through mundane chores and work assignments. Wanting to know that I still matter even if the only job I can get is working with 2 yr olds and have spent years earning a degree that doesn’t quite fit right. I think it can be a real struggle to live between those two worlds.

    I am reading a book right now about what success means to a Christian and what success means to someone in the world. The chapter I’m on talks about attitude. The author writes about Paul in prison, “Humanly speaking, things could not have been much more difficult. How natural would it have been for Paul to cry, ‘what’s going on, God? I’ve given my life to you, and I’ve paid the price willingly. But now, just when I’m needed most, here I am in this hole. My best years are wasting, Lord! I can’t stand it!'”

    This is how I feel sometimes- like my best years are being spent paying back student loans, trying to find out what I want to do for a full time job that I would love, wondering if we have waited too long to start a family. Think of Joseph imprisoned in Egypt for all those years of his youth! It just seems a waste while others are advancing the name of Christ or doing incredible things in the world.

    “Paul displays a remarkably positive attitude in the midst of his impossible situation. Moreover, he indicates that this is a matter of his own choice: ‘In this I rejoice, yes, I will rejoice.’ Paul chose to have a positive attitude during his imprisonment, a fact that the joyous tone of his Philippian letter attests from beginning to end. Attitude makes all the difference in the world.”

    I know I don’t have answers, but I’d encourage you that even in the mundane and difficult often anti-spiritual places we find ourselves that are far from Jesus-movements, that you’d know and believe God has purpose and plan for you- even while you’re wrapping up school and working your brains out. It is a season and it will pass. And you are right to want the fruit of Christian works, not just manifestations of gifts. Find ways to thank him for what He is doing in your life right now. In church last week the preacher talked about going through the whole alphabet thanking God for something that began with each letter, like a-apples, b-beaches, c-comets… you get the idea. Thank Him from A-Z and know that He has you in His hands- securely.

  2. (2 Timothy 2 ESV)

    You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops. Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything.
    Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David, as preached in my gospel, for which I am suffering, bound with chains as a criminal. But the word of God is not bound! Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory. The saying is trustworthy, for:
    If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
    if we endure, we will also reign with him;
    if we deny him, he also will deny us;
    if we are faithless, he remains faithful—
    for he cannot deny himself.
    Remind them of these things, and charge them before God not to quarrel about words, which does no good, but only ruins the hearers. Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. But avoid irreverent babble, for it will lead people into more and more ungodliness, and their talk will spread like gangrene. Among them are Hymenaeus and Philetus, who have swerved from the truth, saying that the resurrection has already happened. They are upsetting the faith of some. But God’s firm foundation stands, bearing this seal: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and, “Let everyone who names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity.”
    Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.
    So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

    I love you Annie. God still sees and hears you. Hold fast to His promises.
    Teresa

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