I feel as if I am being tugged on from all sides and while I am told to be content it is being shouted at me that contentment is not an option. I must be pushing for the gifts of the Spirit. On my knees, shoving my hands out, and begging that God would place a huge calling on my life. I am told working and going to school are not enough. I need to desire to see healings and to have great prophetic words spoken over my life. But these things do not happen. Not for me at least. Great things are not spoken over me. Truths slip out occasionally, but not callings.
I am losing my bearings. I am losing touch with school- I only have 3 classes and my sleep schedule is so off that I barely make it to my a.m. one. I am losing touch with my body- I get nauseous when I eat, I can’t fall asleep until 4a.m. and when I wake my day is half over. I am losing touch with my friends- communication is so sporadic that when it occurs it is not deeply fulfilling. I am losing touch with my future- I graduate in 7 months and have no prospects. I am losing touch with God- I fall into sin and depression and confusion and don’t feel His love, I doubt like Thomas, and this is not what God wants. All I do is work. And I hate it.
What if I am not called to have a great impact on the world? Can I be mad at God? No, His plans are perfect whether we understand them or not and it seems to me that the majority of Christians do not have these “great callings.” What if He just wants me to live my life for Him? What is wrong with that? Shouldn’t I be content with no gifts. Gifts are not necessary. Since when is there a necessity placed on work?
So if I do not have great words spoken over me and if I do not see healings or miracles or gold dust or jewels or the “miraculous” works of God, how can I be hurt? Yet I am. It is as if He is giving me crumbs and I have to be satisfied with them even when I know He has a storehouse of food and others have grown fat on it. So I struggle between hurting, and knowing I should not be because how can I hold this against God? I don’t want this to come between us. He has given me life and love why should I ask for more?
Everyone gets all of these fantastical ideas that they will accomplish great things- what are you after? fame or God’s will? And have you found that His will is not for your voice or hands or feet or mind? His will is not for you to do something for Him, to work for Him. He is a Father not a task-master. He is calling for your heart. Every other aspect of you is disposable, can be done more efficiently through another means of His power. If your heart is not deeply rooted in His then your works are useless. Your prophesies and healings are useless and you are lucky that He has the ability to work them for His good, but your heart is lacking in seeking more work and not more love. Ask God what He would have of you if you became mute or unable to walk. Do you crave the gifts more than the fruit, because the fruit is pleasing to you and the Father. The gifts push outward from that. The fruit do not require work.
I am left confused and angry and hurt and broken. And I don’t know the solution or the answer or even what is hurting and everything seems broken. Words do not soothe. And it does not feel like “everything’s going to be alright.” It feels like my entire life is going to be a disappointing struggle.