It is days like today that are the hardest. You wouldn’t think that would be the case at all, but it makes sense. Today I defended my Honors Thesis. For the past nine months, I have been filming, producing, and editing a documentary on a local non-profit in Kent. It has been a lot of work but has been rewarding with the experience I have gained. Today was not hard because of the review. I did well and passed contingent on a few minor changes to my work. Today is the hardest type of day to be single.
Recently I have made peace with my solo life. I enjoy being able to spread my love over a multitude of people. I enjoy taking solitary road-trips to see family and friends. I enjoy having the freedom to stay up late watching documentaries, to sleep in the middle of my bed, to spend my money on my own needs. These are all things I am sure will change once I am attached to another.
I returned to Kent last evening so I could spend the night and not worry about driving the 2.5 hours to Kent before presenting my thesis. Being that it is Easter weekend, most of my student friends had gone home to be with their family. But last night there was a concert and I was able to hang out with some of my “townie” friends.
Standing in the little tavern downtown, I realized the rich community that I missed out on being a part of here. Had I not moved to Columbus would I have blended in here? Kent is like a well worn pair of shoes. It has a sense of comfort yet impending adventure. As if it would be enchanting to walk through the snow despite the fact that your feet would get wet and your toes would prune up. As if in the summer you could carry them in your hands while enjoying the sense of being barefoot. Maybe it was the music, but standing there I felt a sense of satisfaction of living in a small town.
The people I was with were genuine. They were from the home group that I was part of for a few months. When I was with them I had those Kent shoes on. I realize that of all the Christian groups I have ever been apart of this was the only one that didn’t hurt me or betray me. They loved me quite fully. Molly and Jen drove me to our friends house for our meetings when I didn’t have a car. And they took me out for my 21st birthday. We all ate dinner together. Watched movies together. It did feel like family. And when I left, I knew that they would be wishing me well.
So there is this very raw sense of a need for connection. When I finished presenting my thesis, my professors determined to pass me. They shook my hand and congratulated me on my work. I was pretty elated. All of this work, all of this time, all of this stress, all of this love culminating. But I had no one to share it with. No one who had followed the journey and cared to see its progress. No big hugs. No “let’s celebrate!”‘s. That was that. I went down the hallway, offered the rest of the coffee I had left over to my old coworkers and then headed on my way.
I never really got rooted in Kent. I am not sure that I will get rooted in Columbus. There are a lot of rocks in the soil, not a lot of fertilizer. It is not going to stop me from trying. I think it is very rare to find perfect soil, but there is good soil to be planted in.
And so now despite the desire to weep over my lonely state that there is no one to share my joy and accomplishment. I will carry on. I will celebrate with Jesus. Does He care that I passed my thesis? Does it make Him proud? I am not sure. It doesn’t necessarily forward the kingdom. But it is me using my creative skills and if I give it to Him as a love offering, maybe He will find it pleasing. Me living my life, doing what I love, and looking to Him for approval- I think it is something He as a Father would like very much.
With Him I am not alone. I know this. And 2012 He told me is the year He will present Himself to me as a husband, so I am assuming that He desires to celebrate with me. Our connection is rooted and grounded in love.