I know the end of the story: I’ll come out from the wilderness. I’ll be leaning on my Beloved.
What a beautiful line from Jon Thurlow’s song “Strong Love” and it is so on key with my past year. Looking back on 2012, I cannot believe what I have come through and who I have become. It began with the worst day of my life. I started so weak, debilitated, manipulated and disoriented. And for a long time, I pretended, perhaps even disillusioned myself to believe, that it was all okay and that it was how my life was supposed to be. But through Him, I was made aware, I was strengthened and I was given the opportunity to hone my discernment. Eventually, I lay some demons to rest and said no more to a lack of self-value, even if that meant saying “no” to what and to whom others highly praised.
On last New Year’s Eve, I said 2012 would be the year that Jesus revealed Himself to me as a lover- a sentiment He had expressed to me in the days prior. This was a seemingly uncomfortable and unspoken side of God to dive into, but in I went. And throughout the year I pondered what it would mean to be intimate with God, to know Him and be known by Him.
As it turns out, it is so much more than an act of “physical encounter” because we are all still awaiting the consummation on our wedding day and it won’t come till Jesus returns. So, as a Lover, Jesus is my betrothed. We are learning about each other and longing for one another and it is a long walk down the aisle. However, He is not just waiting at the end, He is walking the aisle with me, sometimes carrying me. We are not lovers every waking moment, most of the time we are friends just getting to know each other’s idiosyncrasies, but when we are intimate, it is as lovers with souls entwining.
I went through a lot in 2012. I hurt a lot. I stood up for myself, for who God values me as. I went when He said “go.” He was always with me.
By the end of the year, I found myself crying over the thought that He would not return in my lifetime. And I found myself saying, “I am so ready to love You the rest of my life,” and that is what marriage is: forever.
And I came out at the end of the year -an ominous jungle of a year- much more of a person than I ever was, much more confident. And completely leaning on my Beloved, reliant on Him and at peace with His plans. And I know the end of the story….